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Friday, 2 May 2008
Friday 02 May 08
Ok, so ladies, the situation now is that yesterday i sent him a massive email detailing that I know he is not the kind of guy who just sleeps with a girl for the sake of sleeping with her, and that I know he knows that I have real and deep feelings for him, so to sleep with him it would have to mean something to him too... This email resulted in us trying to sort out this bit of a mess via a scrambled telephone call whilst I was on the bus and he was supposed to be at work... I know that he thinks little of me, and when i say that what i mean is; Perhaps i am not the most loyal person he knows, but that is only because i am unhappy (there, i said it, i am UNHAPPY) in my current relationship and I know that i actually want him. I am just too scare to make a jump and leave my fiancee for what he may only see as a brief fling... He wont tell me to leave Dave for him, because he isnt like that, and he isnt the kind of bloke who does sleezy stuff like steal another mans girlfriend/wife/fiancee etc... But why can he not assure me that he would like to give it a try, that I do mean something to him and that he does care about me?! Another thing I worry about is that I know he is wanting to emmigrate, would I throw what i have away with Dave (yes i know it doesnt sound like much, but he was there for me and I do care about him, but more in a friend way, and sometimes I do think about leaving, I thought of it before the ex came back on the scene) for a "maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldnt...?" I am not looking for a guarentee from the ex that it will 100% work out, because i know that sometimes things dont work out as you planned... Believe me, I didnt think i would ever be without the ex, and I have been! but I want to know that he does want to try and make it work, and that he would give it his best shot.... You see, when he left, because thats what he did, he just left one day after visiting me and my parents, he just announced to me that he was "going and not coming back...", I fell appart and Dave ran around and picked up all the pieces, and put them back together, it is just that the picture Dave put back together was never the same as the one before and there was always one vital bit missing... But how could i tell Dave that? How do you say to someone that you do think you are in love with, "do you know what hunny, i actually quite miss my ex and i dont think i will ever love you as much as i do him"?, you cant, and the truth is, i didnt know i felt like this until the ex came back into my life?! I knew i would always deep down love him, but when someone you love so much lets you down so badly, and breaks your heart so much you think you will never be the same, you try and forget and you bury your head in the sand and carry on with your life the best you can.
I think with Dave it was a case of I needed someone and I thought that I needed him, but really all i was doing was trying to shift the feelings for the ex onto Dave. I am learning now that you cant do that... But how can the ex expect me to not wonder in the back of my mind if I do leave Dave and I do take things slowly with him, how can he not think that I will wonder if this weekend is the last, until he shows me or better still, until he tells me that I am what he wants? I dont expect grand gestures of love because we arent in love, I may be, but he is not, all i want and need, is to know what he is thinking and what he would like to happen from all of this... I would love him for the rest of my life and I look at him and see the man i loved so much 4 years ago, i look in his eyes and I know that he has seen some awful things and I want to kiss them all away and make it all better, and I see him as the father of my children and us watching them play football on a saturday morning, taking them for their first pair of shoes, and arguing because he doesnt see why I feel the need to spend £80 on a pair of shoes that they will out grow in less than 2 months, I see all this, and I so want to tell him, so why cant he tell me what he sees, or what he would like to see???!!!
I think with Dave it was a case of I needed someone and I thought that I needed him, but really all i was doing was trying to shift the feelings for the ex onto Dave. I am learning now that you cant do that... But how can the ex expect me to not wonder in the back of my mind if I do leave Dave and I do take things slowly with him, how can he not think that I will wonder if this weekend is the last, until he shows me or better still, until he tells me that I am what he wants? I dont expect grand gestures of love because we arent in love, I may be, but he is not, all i want and need, is to know what he is thinking and what he would like to happen from all of this... I would love him for the rest of my life and I look at him and see the man i loved so much 4 years ago, i look in his eyes and I know that he has seen some awful things and I want to kiss them all away and make it all better, and I see him as the father of my children and us watching them play football on a saturday morning, taking them for their first pair of shoes, and arguing because he doesnt see why I feel the need to spend £80 on a pair of shoes that they will out grow in less than 2 months, I see all this, and I so want to tell him, so why cant he tell me what he sees, or what he would like to see???!!!
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Re: Hopefully the first of many...
Ok, well this is my first blog and I am unsure really what this blog is going to be or indeed what i shall regale you with.
I suppose it will be a combination of things really, my thoughts, feelings and a place where I can off load what is going on in my life... I think at the moment there are several issues that I need to address and quite like the idea of sending them off into cyber space without having to give consideration to who reads them and who knows what is going on in my life... I suppose i would like my blog to read very much like a Bridget Jones meets Belle De Jour?! Well, perhaps not the prostitute part, but I will try and make it interesting for anyone that thinks it might be worth a read! So, that's it in a nutshell really... And let the blogging commence... All the names etc are going to be changed in this as i do feel like my life is perhaps sometimes, only sometimes though, like a chick lit book and therefore i feel like i can take writers liberties and change things like place names etc... So, in essence i suppose that I have discovered that is what this is now going to be... A bit of a running diary...
So here goes:
Wednesday May 1st:
So, the emails and texts keep coming from him, they are on a light and friendly note i suppose but i cant help but feel a slight pang when i said that he might meet someone to brighten up his trip... I wanted him to say something like "don't be daft, why would i want to do that" but i suppose that i knew he wouldn't say that... I think that is the trouble, i know he isn't going to say something like that ever again, and i am almost certain that this, whatever "this" is, is going to end up in tears, my tears at that, and I am going to end up back at square minus 10, unable to pick myself up this time... How am i supposed to know what is going on inside his head though? I have made a fool of myself, 100% a fool and his response was, "it will never happen so move on", and then he is asking me to bed? Am i a silly cow who has no idea when she is been played or is it that he is afraid of his emotions and really doesn't know where his head is at? On the way home from visiting him, i did put the question to him, via text (this is the only way i know he might even respond, via text!) and asked what has changed, what is going on and do you know, he couldn't tell me! He couldn't assure me that we are on the road to recovery or even that he actually wants this, but when i emailed to see if he regretted it, he said no. So please for god's sake will someone please tell me what he wants... I am quite good like that I look at men like i do handbags, they are all great in the shop all new looking and you can never have too many handbags, but, how do you know you are going to be able to get everything you need in there until you try, and by then it is too late, the bag is bought and you have found an outfit that it goes with so its staying? Explain i hear you cry, well, A man is like a handbag, you buy the thing and then take it home only to find that you cant just quite manage to stuff in all your makeup, umbrella, ipod, phone, purse, that bunch of receipts you know you need to keep (cos somewhere there is the one for that top you bought that you will have to take back before the end of the month so you have some cash to live on!), or in a mans case, you cant get into them all the things you need as their other half such as makeup (mans equivalent (M.E) that you would like a pressie every now and then), umberella (M.E All the times you are nasty i cry and i need you to make it better!), ipod (M.E Random nights out just the two of us, doing things without planning and structure and things i don't have to organise!), purse (M.E their wallet, cos you know they are going to ask you if they can put it in your bag!), bunch of receipts (M.E all the secret little emotional pick ups we need and all the times we try and look amazing for you and you, as men, do not realise or do not appreciate!)...But by the time you realise that this Bag is perhaps not the bag for life, its too late cos its all worn in and it is in the fashion designer speak "your key piece", and then bang, you feel like you cant change and that you do like this bag, just not perhaps as much as you did when you bought it, but hey its a classic you tell yourself...
I suppose it will be a combination of things really, my thoughts, feelings and a place where I can off load what is going on in my life... I think at the moment there are several issues that I need to address and quite like the idea of sending them off into cyber space without having to give consideration to who reads them and who knows what is going on in my life... I suppose i would like my blog to read very much like a Bridget Jones meets Belle De Jour?! Well, perhaps not the prostitute part, but I will try and make it interesting for anyone that thinks it might be worth a read! So, that's it in a nutshell really... And let the blogging commence... All the names etc are going to be changed in this as i do feel like my life is perhaps sometimes, only sometimes though, like a chick lit book and therefore i feel like i can take writers liberties and change things like place names etc... So, in essence i suppose that I have discovered that is what this is now going to be... A bit of a running diary...
So here goes:
Wednesday May 1st:
So, the emails and texts keep coming from him, they are on a light and friendly note i suppose but i cant help but feel a slight pang when i said that he might meet someone to brighten up his trip... I wanted him to say something like "don't be daft, why would i want to do that" but i suppose that i knew he wouldn't say that... I think that is the trouble, i know he isn't going to say something like that ever again, and i am almost certain that this, whatever "this" is, is going to end up in tears, my tears at that, and I am going to end up back at square minus 10, unable to pick myself up this time... How am i supposed to know what is going on inside his head though? I have made a fool of myself, 100% a fool and his response was, "it will never happen so move on", and then he is asking me to bed? Am i a silly cow who has no idea when she is been played or is it that he is afraid of his emotions and really doesn't know where his head is at? On the way home from visiting him, i did put the question to him, via text (this is the only way i know he might even respond, via text!) and asked what has changed, what is going on and do you know, he couldn't tell me! He couldn't assure me that we are on the road to recovery or even that he actually wants this, but when i emailed to see if he regretted it, he said no. So please for god's sake will someone please tell me what he wants... I am quite good like that I look at men like i do handbags, they are all great in the shop all new looking and you can never have too many handbags, but, how do you know you are going to be able to get everything you need in there until you try, and by then it is too late, the bag is bought and you have found an outfit that it goes with so its staying? Explain i hear you cry, well, A man is like a handbag, you buy the thing and then take it home only to find that you cant just quite manage to stuff in all your makeup, umbrella, ipod, phone, purse, that bunch of receipts you know you need to keep (cos somewhere there is the one for that top you bought that you will have to take back before the end of the month so you have some cash to live on!), or in a mans case, you cant get into them all the things you need as their other half such as makeup (mans equivalent (M.E) that you would like a pressie every now and then), umberella (M.E All the times you are nasty i cry and i need you to make it better!), ipod (M.E Random nights out just the two of us, doing things without planning and structure and things i don't have to organise!), purse (M.E their wallet, cos you know they are going to ask you if they can put it in your bag!), bunch of receipts (M.E all the secret little emotional pick ups we need and all the times we try and look amazing for you and you, as men, do not realise or do not appreciate!)...But by the time you realise that this Bag is perhaps not the bag for life, its too late cos its all worn in and it is in the fashion designer speak "your key piece", and then bang, you feel like you cant change and that you do like this bag, just not perhaps as much as you did when you bought it, but hey its a classic you tell yourself...
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